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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.